We’ve all been there…
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PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”