we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
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how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail