we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
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Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
it must be school picture day
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
my favorite genre of twitter
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
dude it’s called proctologist
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
as is their right
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.