Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

*exercises sarcastically*

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.