We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
No one can handle that
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Cinema or bowling
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.