We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please