We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
no regrets
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket