Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

How does someone manage that 🤨

good work, everybody

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.