“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
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My plans: 2020:
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
grotesque if literal: baby food
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO