Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

Bartenders are just boneless bars

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen