“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
You Might Also Like
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
jesus, what did this guy do
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”