“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
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Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Rather alarming headline…
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky