Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep