We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
