We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
