Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”