Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

termite twitter scares me

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

I love the National Park Service.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.