We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
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My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
A little too much information.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
The Weeknd is back
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
