We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Proctologist = Analyst
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.