We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
And bowling should be called pinball
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea