we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
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When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My first son he is wonderful
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.