we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
You Might Also Like
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.