“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad