fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
You Might Also Like
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.