We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
ah yes….my favourite videogame
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
Can you solve the riddle??
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
