We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
