We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
