We’ve come full circle
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.