We’ve come full circle
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The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.