Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

Multitask? I can barely unitask

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.