We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
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If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
They’re not wrong
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Oh the world we live in…
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Blew out my flip flop…
