Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that