“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now