Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married