“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
You Might Also Like
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
*Inspirational Tweets*
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
A bold strategy
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Church Pugh’s
