“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME