Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.