Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”