Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright