Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam