Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

If you breakdance you buy dance.

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…