We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
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I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]