We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.