Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.