Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me