Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

My kitchen overserved me.

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out