We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
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Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.