We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
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scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
When ur friends with white people
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Ape together strong
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.