We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.