“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
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This is I, Robot all over again
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
sensitive skin
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
2022: I can fix it