We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
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perfect
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*