We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
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You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO