We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
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[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you