We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
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please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not