We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
