We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
