We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
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If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
😲 WTF? 😆
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[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.