Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same