We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
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*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
ew if literal: let me be clear
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive![]()
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.