We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!