We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
You Might Also Like
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I had to Stop for this
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative