We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Said the murderer.
This raises questions
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
