Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.