We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
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I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
