Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

this is how life feels

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message