We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

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If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.


1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.


Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.


me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home


Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.


The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.


Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.


A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”