@sarcasticmommy4

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.

@markleggett

1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.

@noogscorner

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

@MarfSalvador

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

@TrapTart

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

@serendipitydon1

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

@RdrJay47

A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”