@Lisa_Laughs_ If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.
@sarcasticmommy4 We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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@Lisa_Laughs_ 
@markleggett 1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.
@noogscorner Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
@AngelaEhh Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
@MarfSalvador me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
@TrapTart Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
@Storminika The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
@serendipitydon1 Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
@RdrJay47 A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”
@browneyedgirlAM “No sex tonight, I just put on clean sheets.”
-marriage