We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.


[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.


My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.


[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*


Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.



KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much


In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic


In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers