If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
Noah: A boat?
Noah: Two of every animal?
Noah: I have a better idea.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Me: Then, no.
A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”
“No sex tonight, I just put on clean sheets.”