We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
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If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!