Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

A collection of me turning into random objects.