Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine