Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over