Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.