We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
*frowns in Scottish*
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything