We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
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So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.